Nightmare

I woke up from a nightmare today. I had a dream about him. I can't really remember it all because it's getting fuzzier by the minute. All I remember is that he and I were still together. We were happy and in love. Then suddenly, he breaks up with me over the phone while I was in the passenger seat of my mom's car. My mom was driving and we were on the high way. I don't remember what he said to me but I just kept saying "please no, please no, don't do this." He did it anyway. I cried so hard over the phone. My mom told me not to cry but I did anyway. After he hung up on me, we saw him driving past us in the highway. He was driving really fast with all of his doors opened & he didn't have a seat belt on. I was so scared for him that I tried calling him but he wouldn't picked up. Eventually, I stopped trying and ended up at home. I was so depressed and heart broken that I didn't eat for weeks. This dream was a nightmare because it all seemed too real as if it was mocking me because most of the things that happened in my nightmare really did happen in real life. How can life be so cruel and have me go through 2 painful heart breaks, one in real life & in my dreams? My heart is severely broken yet I'm still angry. Angry about the whole breakup...angry at the fact that he's talking to all these girls so soon after the breakup. I don't care if he's just talking to them as friends or whatnot, because every relationship starts with friendship. Here I am not talking to any guys trying to live through the pain and move on but there he goes talking to girls as if I never happened. I know it's over and shit but still... have a heart to move on before talking to anyone. Ugh. My heart hurts. I need to stop talking and thinking about him. My heart isn't going to heal itself any time soon if I keep doing this. Stupid dream. Stupid heart. Stupid love.

Day 101

I won't be counting the days anymore. That's not healthy for me to be counting the days :/ especially when I'm trying to live on without him.

But anyway, it's been a long time since I last came on here. I have like, 5 different blogs so I forget easily.

The first month of the break up was the hardest.

For weeks, I cried myself to sleep whether I was howling like a wolf or silently crying; my pillow have never been that soaked before.

Eventually, the whole "let's be friends" thing didn't work out. My heart broke again when he told me we would never talk again and he requested for his things back. I gathered his things with a full intent of giving everything back but things didn't work out that way. I had to leave it behind because there wasn't any room to bring down his stuff. I still have it in a huge bag. After that conversation, I called my sister crying to her after a good month of not crying. I cried because what was said in the conversation made me feel like I was the worse person alive. I've never felt so low in my entire life. I didn't hear from him again until the day of my birthday (Dec. 15) He wished me a happy birthday... I didn't text back because I wanted to live up to his request of not talking to each other again. I mean, that's the least I could do for someone I love. You know that old saying, "If you love them, let them go".

I then heard from him again on new years eve. Again, I didn't want to text back because I wanted to respect his wishes on not talking ever again. I was strong and held myself back until it struck midnight. I had to wish him a happy new year back.

Every now and then,I'd get really sad if I see something that reminds me of him, like Bahn Mi Sandwiches, Spring rolls, hot dogs with rice, Hmong sausage... He and I made too many memories. I will never forget him no matter how much I convince myself.

No matter how strong I am, I can only act strong for so long.... eventually, I'll break.

It has been a long journey but I must continue to be strong.

"Sometimes the strongest people in the morning are the people who cried all night." <3 D.

Talking it out...

Last night, I couldn't take it anymore and called him. My heart was hurting and I wanted to hear his voice... It was the only thing that could make me feel better. It was painful talking to him but at the same time, I think it really helped me. We talked about us, I cried, and then we talked as friends. Although there's no chance of us getting back together anytime soon, just knowing he's there for me was good enough...even if its just as friends. I cried a little this morning on the bus. I still miss him but I think I am beginning to slowly accept this break up and move on. The first step to that was talking to someone. As a future health educator, I know the symptoms of depression and right now, I believe I am suffering from depression. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and not seek help so I took a huge leap and scheduled an appointment to see a counselor at school. It's free, so why not? My appointment is tomorrow. I'm a little excited to see how counseling will help me get through this difficult stage in life.

First night out as a single woman

Last night was my first night out with the girls as a single woman. We went to a local bar/club. It felt good going out without having someone tell you to "dont do anything stupid" but then I wished I had him to tell me "dont do anything stupid". The freedom of doing what I want with my girls felt great but at the end of the night, I felt sad and lonely because I didn't have him on the other line talking to me. There are good things and bad things about being in a relationship and not being in one. Right now,, I feel that I am not having fun at all without him with me. I saw a guy at the bar/club who looked a little like him...all I could think of was how stupid this single life is and how bad I just wanted to run to him and stay in cuddling with him under a blanket as he kiss my forehead. I don't want to go on with life without him by my side. I miss him so much. I'm trying to find a way to bring us back to each other. There's gotta be something... But I feel like I'm the only one trying to find a way to compromise and he's finding a way to get past this hard time.

Day 2

The promise ring given to me by him.

Today is day 2 since my love and I broke up. I don't know how long I'm going to keep count of the days but I thought it'd be a cool idea to blog about my experience with love, relationships, and break ups with whoever that may come across my blog.

Like I said, it's only day 2 and I'm missing him like crazy. He and I mutually broke up because we wanted different things in life. When I say life, I mean marriage. What was suppose to only be a conversation about our future as husband and wife, turned out to be the end of our love story. Our love was passionate, kind and pure but because of how different our lifestyle was, how we were raised and our different religion (Shaman, Christian), it had a big effect on our future. Now we are left to live our lives separately after almost two years.

God, I love this man so much. I want to be with him, and grow old with him... For now, he and I will remain friends and focus on our family and ourselves. If it is written in the stars that we are meant to be together, we will find a way back. Until then, I'll always love him, care for him, and miss him.

<3, D.